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Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 6, 7, 8 ... 311, 312, 313  Next
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Prodigal_SOB

Prodigal_SOB Avatar

Location: Back Home Again in Indiana
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 15, 2015 - 10:10am

 Proclivities wrote:

{#Drummer}

 
I used to work on a navy base and was having lunch in the consolidated mess when the old salt that was the deputy director for the branch we worked for started in on a tirade about people always misusing the word dock.  "A dock IS NOT the thing you walk on!  That is a pier. A dock is the space between two finger piers where the ship is."   When he had finished I asked him if he had three finger piers would that be a paradox?   He didn't speak to me for the rest of the day.  It was wonderful.

 
Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 15, 2015 - 9:39am

 Prodigal_SOB wrote:
And they're always docking your pay too.
 
{#Drummer}
Prodigal_SOB

Prodigal_SOB Avatar

Location: Back Home Again in Indiana
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 15, 2015 - 9:35am

 aflanigan wrote:
I once tried to get work as a stevedore, but I couldn't make it past the pier review process.

HT to miamizsun 

 

  And they're always docking your pay too.


aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 15, 2015 - 8:24am

I once tried to get work as a stevedore, but I couldn't make it past the pier review process.



HT to miamizsun 


DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 2, 2015 - 3:45pm

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?  Michael said: Just a minute I have to go for a leak.  The teacher responded by saying: That would be rude and most impolite.

The teacher then asked of another student What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?  Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to  the bathroom. I'll be right back.  That's better, said the teacher, But it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

Then the teacher looked at our mate, little Johnny, saying And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners.  Little Johnny said: I would say: darling, may I please be excused for a moment?  I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.

 

The teacher fainted.

 


DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 31, 2014 - 10:00am

Woman places ad seeking a man who will never hurt her, will never abandon her and who is great in bed.

After several candidates being turned down she hears her door bell ring. She opens the door to find an armless and legless man in a wheel chair.

She offers him $5 thinking he is collecting for charity but he explains that he is there for the interview.

She looks at him and says, "but you have no arms."

He replies, "but you wanted a man who would never hit you."

The woman then says, "but you have no legs."

To which the man replies, "but you wanted a man who would never abandon you."

She pauses and then says, "but I also want a man who is great in bed."

The man puts on a cheeky grin and says, "so how do you think I managed to ring the door bell? "


Prodigal_SOB

Prodigal_SOB Avatar

Location: Back Home Again in Indiana
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 24, 2014 - 3:07pm

The Talking Clock:

A man was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends, late one night.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet sitting on the dresser. 
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the friends asked.
"It's not a gong.  It's a talking clock", he replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked the astonished friend. 
"Yup", he replied."How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch:".  He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back, smiling proudly.  The three stood looking at one another for a moment, as the pulsating resonances filled the room.  Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You *%#***!!!. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"


DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Nov 30, 2014 - 11:51am

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.  Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 23, 2014 - 1:36pm

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his accountant, Saul Meyers.

Myron (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?"

 Saul (calming): "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you."

Then Myron called his Lawyer, Charlie Steinberg.

His Lawyer said: "Myron, it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I'm sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you."

And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

Rabbi:  "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a low cut "negligee" with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy'... and, Myron,

I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna' get fooked".


miamizsun

miamizsun Avatar

Location: (3283.1 Miles SE of RP)
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 12, 2014 - 1:34pm

What’s The Difference Between a Lottery and An Election?

 

An honest person might win a lottery.


K_Love

K_Love Avatar

Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 29, 2014 - 10:24pm

Guy's walking down the street, and a penguin starts following him. Cop asks the guy why he's walking a penguin. Guy says the penguin just started following him. Cop says to take him to the zoo. Next day, the cop sees the guy and the penguin at a bus stop. The cop asks why the guy didn't take the penguin to the zoo. The guy says, "I did take him to the zoo, and today I'm taking him to the history museum."
Prodigal_SOB

Prodigal_SOB Avatar

Location: Back Home Again in Indiana
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 17, 2014 - 11:55am

 ScottN wrote:
Good Catch!  I knew it wasn't original, and has had many differing versions, but you may have the original??

Edit: My meal is better.  Gazpacho??

  It is my first recollection of it.

ScottN

ScottN Avatar

Location: Half inch above the K/T boundary
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 17, 2014 - 11:41am

 Prodigal_SOB wrote:
... 
Good Catch!  I knew it wasn't original, and has had many differing versions, but you may have the original??

Edit: My meal is better.  Gazpacho??
Prodigal_SOB

Prodigal_SOB Avatar

Location: Back Home Again in Indiana
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 17, 2014 - 11:39am

 ScottN wrote:
 


ScottN

ScottN Avatar

Location: Half inch above the K/T boundary
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 17, 2014 - 11:33am

Man, with his pet fly,  walks into a Michelin starred restaurant in Paris and orders:

First: I'll have Quiche au  Rouquefort  et aux Poireaux with an '82 Beaune du Bucherot (Burgundy)
Next, I'll have Grenouilles a la Provencal with an ' 01 Chablis, Montmains, 1er Cru, Domaine Duplessis
Then I'll have Le Filet de Saumon au Beurre Rouge.. let's stay with the Chablis.
To finish: Fromage, poire, Repas de vilain. And a bottle of your best Sauterne

Oh, please bring some shit for my fly.
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 19, 2014 - 7:49am

My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am now...
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 15, 2014 - 11:30am

 2cats wrote:

How many dead people are in that cemetery?  Dad replies, "All of them."

 

2cats

2cats Avatar

Location: Oklahoma
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 15, 2014 - 11:28am

 lily34 wrote:



and

know why those people can't be buried in the cemetary next to their house?
because they're not dead yet.

 
How many dead people are in that cemetery?  Dad replies, "All of them."
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 15, 2014 - 6:50am

 Coaxial wrote:

{#Drummer}

 
don't forget to tip your servers!
Coaxial

Coaxial Avatar

Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 15, 2014 - 6:48am

 lily34 wrote:
from the ultimate collection of cheesy dad jokes files:

What happens if you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
It gets wet.

Pointing up to some geese flying above: "You ever notice that one side of the 'flying V' is always longer than the other? You know why that is? More geese on that side."

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."



 
{#Drummer}
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