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Capital Punishment - R_P - Jan 18, 2021 - 5:19pm
 
What makes you smile? - Antigone - Jan 18, 2021 - 3:49pm
 
Trump - R_P - Jan 18, 2021 - 2:32pm
 
Google Docs (Docs, Spreadsheets, etc) - rgio - Jan 18, 2021 - 2:10pm
 
The death penalty on trial? - black321 - Jan 18, 2021 - 1:06pm
 
Things You Thought Today - oldviolin - Jan 18, 2021 - 10:41am
 
What did you have for dinner? - Antigone - Jan 18, 2021 - 10:27am
 
Name My Band - oldviolin - Jan 18, 2021 - 10:05am
 
Fox Spews - rgio - Jan 18, 2021 - 8:49am
 
Language - rhahl - Jan 18, 2021 - 7:35am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - Coaxial - Jan 18, 2021 - 7:29am
 
Mixtape Culture Club - ColdMiser - Jan 18, 2021 - 7:12am
 
Liberal please, - rhahl - Jan 18, 2021 - 6:57am
 
Counting with Pictures - yuel - Jan 18, 2021 - 6:47am
 
Live Music - R_P - Jan 17, 2021 - 10:01pm
 
COVID-19 - R_P - Jan 17, 2021 - 6:53pm
 
honk if you think manbird and OV are one and the same ent... - oldviolin - Jan 17, 2021 - 2:59pm
 
Jam! - rhahl - Jan 17, 2021 - 1:10pm
 
Poetry Forum - ScottN - Jan 17, 2021 - 11:54am
 
A motivational quote - kurtster - Jan 17, 2021 - 11:41am
 
Regarding dogs - rhahl - Jan 17, 2021 - 11:10am
 
The Obituary Page - rgio - Jan 17, 2021 - 9:48am
 
Freedom of speech? - miamizsun - Jan 17, 2021 - 8:22am
 
Social Media Are Changing Everything - black321 - Jan 17, 2021 - 7:37am
 
Today in History - Red_Dragon - Jan 17, 2021 - 7:36am
 
Best movies ever? - rhahl - Jan 17, 2021 - 3:41am
 
Breaking News - kurtster - Jan 16, 2021 - 4:37pm
 
Automotive Lust - KurtfromLaQuinta - Jan 16, 2021 - 4:28pm
 
Trump Lies - ScottN - Jan 16, 2021 - 12:05pm
 
Outstanding Covers - R_P - Jan 16, 2021 - 11:48am
 
What Are You Going To Do Today? - miamizsun - Jan 16, 2021 - 5:54am
 
Vocabulary Quiz - rhahl - Jan 16, 2021 - 5:31am
 
Flim Festivals on Now - rhahl - Jan 16, 2021 - 3:59am
 
2020 Elections - haresfur - Jan 15, 2021 - 8:44pm
 
Baby words that stuck in your family - Manbird - Jan 15, 2021 - 8:06pm
 
Our tolerance for opposing views - Isabeau - Jan 15, 2021 - 2:14pm
 
What is the meaning of this? - Isabeau - Jan 15, 2021 - 2:00pm
 
Climate Change - R_P - Jan 15, 2021 - 12:47pm
 
what the hell, miamizsun? - oldviolin - Jan 15, 2021 - 10:20am
 
What the hell OV? - miamizsun - Jan 15, 2021 - 9:51am
 
Physics questions - oldviolin - Jan 15, 2021 - 8:56am
 
Classical Music - rhahl - Jan 15, 2021 - 6:48am
 
Capitalism and Consumerism... now what? - miamizsun - Jan 15, 2021 - 6:10am
 
RightWingNutZ - Red_Dragon - Jan 15, 2021 - 5:55am
 
Back to the 10's - rhahl - Jan 15, 2021 - 5:37am
 
Museum Of Bad Album Covers - Proclivities - Jan 15, 2021 - 4:58am
 
Twitter's finest moment - Jiggz - Jan 15, 2021 - 1:28am
 
Country Up The Bumpkin - oldviolin - Jan 14, 2021 - 8:14pm
 
What The Hell Buddy? - oldviolin - Jan 14, 2021 - 8:09pm
 
In My Room - oldviolin - Jan 14, 2021 - 7:58pm
 
Looting & vandalism isn't protest - R_P - Jan 14, 2021 - 5:25pm
 
Insane-looking Lawyers - rhahl - Jan 14, 2021 - 4:14pm
 
Bug Reports & Feature Requests - KurtfromLaQuinta - Jan 14, 2021 - 2:54pm
 
Joe Biden - black321 - Jan 14, 2021 - 2:07pm
 
Race in America - sirdroseph - Jan 14, 2021 - 12:32pm
 
New Music - R_P - Jan 14, 2021 - 12:11pm
 
hallucinogenic drugs - sirdroseph - Jan 14, 2021 - 11:09am
 
Back to the 90's - rgio - Jan 14, 2021 - 7:47am
 
Concept Albums - oldviolin - Jan 14, 2021 - 7:34am
 
Democratic Party - kurtster - Jan 14, 2021 - 6:17am
 
Biden Crime Family - westslope - Jan 13, 2021 - 6:59pm
 
2 questions. - miamizsun - Jan 13, 2021 - 5:30pm
 
Australia has Disappeared - haresfur - Jan 13, 2021 - 5:12pm
 
Impeachment Time: - R_P - Jan 13, 2021 - 2:49pm
 
Back to the 60's - kcar - Jan 13, 2021 - 2:45pm
 
Oh, The Stupidity - R_P - Jan 13, 2021 - 2:16pm
 
Know your memes - black321 - Jan 13, 2021 - 12:02pm
 
Republican Party - miamizsun - Jan 13, 2021 - 10:53am
 
The Global War on Terror - westslope - Jan 13, 2021 - 9:36am
 
Great guitar faces - yuel - Jan 13, 2021 - 6:37am
 
DQ (as in 'Daily Quote') - miamizsun - Jan 13, 2021 - 4:41am
 
• • • Poopoo • • • - miamizsun - Jan 13, 2021 - 4:15am
 
Those Lovable Policemen - haresfur - Jan 12, 2021 - 5:26pm
 
Military Matters - Ohmsen - Jan 12, 2021 - 2:00pm
 
Dear Retail Fashion Industry - Ohmsen - Jan 12, 2021 - 1:30pm
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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whatshisname

whatshisname Avatar

Location: West OZ


Posted: Apr 12, 2020 - 3:42am

Anyone else noticed many bookshops are giving away 2020 diaries for free ?
black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 10, 2020 - 4:47pm

An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 10, 2020 - 10:40pm

I was just at a restaurant the other night. Paid $20K for a tasting menu, and for dessert they had a trained peacock regurgitate directly into my mouth.

It was okay, but frankly I've had $10K meals that tasted just as good.

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Apr 5, 2019 - 1:10pm

A man gets on the train. He goes to the train conductor and says, "I need to get off in Philadelphia. I am so tired I just know I will fall asleep. Could you please make sure I get off in Philadelphia? Will you wake me up? I haven't slept in 2 days, so I may wake up cranky and give you a hard time, but please PLEASE make sure I get off in Philadelphia. Even if you have to throw me out. Will you do that, please? " The conductor says, "No problem, sir. I'll make sure you get off in Philadelphia."

So the guy wakes up. The train is stopped. He is in New York. He is livid! Furious, he goes after the conductor. It took three guys to hold him off and throw him out the train. A lady who watched the whole thing, turned to the conductor and said, "Boy was that man ever angry". The conductor said, "Ya...well, you should have seen the man we threw off the train in Philadelphia"
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Mar 1, 2019 - 12:39pm

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like yout hat gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:45am



 KurtfromLaQuinta wrote:
Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
 

Funny......LOL
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:43am



 Proclivities wrote:
A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
 

LOL
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:08am

 westslope wrote:
There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.

 
Ugh. It's complicated...
Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:05am

A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
westslope

westslope Avatar

Location: BC sage brush steppe


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:52pm

There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.
lowelltr

lowelltr Avatar

Location: Cardinal Nation
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:46pm

I told my wife she arched her eyebrows too much.

She seemed surprised.
KurtfromLaQuinta

KurtfromLaQuinta Avatar

Location: Really deep in the heart of South California
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 10, 2018 - 1:11pm

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 22, 2018 - 12:39pm

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:18am

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:13am

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 4, 2018 - 12:02am

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:20pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Goot one
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:19pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Boot one
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 5:32pm

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell she talking about?
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jan 14, 2018 - 6:39am

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


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