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Trump - R_P - Jul 6, 2020 - 1:05pm
 
Looting & vandalism isn't protest - R_P - Jul 6, 2020 - 12:14pm
 
What The Hell Buddy? - oldviolin - Jul 6, 2020 - 12:03pm
 
Country Up The Bumpkin - oldviolin - Jul 6, 2020 - 11:58am
 
COVID-19 - Proclivities - Jul 6, 2020 - 11:57am
 
The Obituary Page - JrzyTmata - Jul 6, 2020 - 11:45am
 
The All-Things Beatles Forum - Steely_D - Jul 6, 2020 - 11:04am
 
Name My Band - oldviolin - Jul 6, 2020 - 10:50am
 
The Electoral College - ScottFromWyoming - Jul 6, 2020 - 10:36am
 
Things You Thought Today - Coaxial - Jul 6, 2020 - 9:15am
 
Today in History - Red_Dragon - Jul 6, 2020 - 8:59am
 
Talk Behind Their Backs Forum - VV - Jul 6, 2020 - 8:55am
 
Trump Lies - Bultaco - Jul 6, 2020 - 7:50am
 
The List of Reasons Why Schlabby Hates People - sunybuny - Jul 6, 2020 - 7:47am
 
Why are 2 of the best albums of the last decade completel... - sunybuny - Jul 6, 2020 - 7:46am
 
Florida - Coaxial - Jul 6, 2020 - 6:09am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - Coaxial - Jul 6, 2020 - 5:58am
 
What Are You Going To Do Today? - miamizsun - Jul 6, 2020 - 5:44am
 
Baseball, anyone? - haresfur - Jul 5, 2020 - 8:08pm
 
Great Old Songs You Rarely Hear Anymore - buddy - Jul 5, 2020 - 7:06pm
 
Live Music - buddy - Jul 5, 2020 - 6:59pm
 
Outstanding Covers - buddy - Jul 5, 2020 - 6:51pm
 
2020 Elections - KarmaKarma - Jul 5, 2020 - 5:36pm
 
Gardeners Corner - kctomato - Jul 5, 2020 - 3:24pm
 
Race in America - R_P - Jul 5, 2020 - 2:35pm
 
YouTube: Music-Videos - R_P - Jul 5, 2020 - 1:30pm
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - Steely_D - Jul 5, 2020 - 12:35pm
 
Movie Quote - rhahl - Jul 5, 2020 - 12:03pm
 
Lyrics That Remind You of Someone - oldviolin - Jul 5, 2020 - 11:53am
 
Questions. - oldviolin - Jul 5, 2020 - 9:56am
 
Pernicious Pious Proclivities Particularized Prodigiously - Red_Dragon - Jul 5, 2020 - 8:50am
 
Favorite Quotes - oldviolin - Jul 5, 2020 - 8:45am
 
Strips, cartoons, illustrations - R_P - Jul 4, 2020 - 10:27pm
 
Ask the Libertarian - kcar - Jul 4, 2020 - 9:55pm
 
All Dogs Go To Heaven - Dog Pix - KarmaKarma - Jul 4, 2020 - 9:14pm
 
Dialing 1-800-Manbird - oldviolin - Jul 4, 2020 - 6:40pm
 
Mixtape Culture Club - Lazy8 - Jul 4, 2020 - 2:13pm
 
Counting with Pictures - ScottN - Jul 4, 2020 - 12:58pm
 
In My Room - Coaxial - Jul 4, 2020 - 12:26pm
 
RP Daily Trivia Challenge - BlueHeronDruid - Jul 4, 2020 - 12:37am
 
RP stops playing after a few minutes on iPod (iOS) - gtufano - Jul 3, 2020 - 11:33pm
 
New Music - R_P - Jul 3, 2020 - 6:50pm
 
Canada - westslope - Jul 3, 2020 - 3:38pm
 
how do you feel right now? - miamizsun - Jul 3, 2020 - 1:54pm
 
US Empire - R_P - Jul 3, 2020 - 12:46pm
 
• • • PUZZLES • • • - BlueHeronDruid - Jul 3, 2020 - 10:02am
 
• • • Things Magicians Exclaim • • •  - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:20am
 
Bluos App and Vault 2 Streamer. Is it playing in Flac? - BillG - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:05am
 
• • • BRING OUT YOUR DEAD • • •  - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:04am
 
::odd but intriguing:: - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:01am
 
• • • Things Musicians Exclaim • • • - - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 7:46am
 
What the hell OV? - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 7:43am
 
How are you coping/dealing with the crisis? - kurtster - Jul 3, 2020 - 2:44am
 
Oh, The Stupidity - haresfur - Jul 3, 2020 - 2:40am
 
NASA & other news from space - R_P - Jul 2, 2020 - 7:45pm
 
What are you listening to now? - black321 - Jul 2, 2020 - 7:14pm
 
Anti-War - R_P - Jul 2, 2020 - 6:04pm
 
Vinyl for old timer - Steely_D - Jul 2, 2020 - 6:00pm
 
Tech & Science - R_P - Jul 2, 2020 - 5:03pm
 
Now that is a great story! - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 4:14pm
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 4:12pm
 
Watch Now ! - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 4:06pm
 
Automotive Lust - Red_Dragon - Jul 2, 2020 - 1:53pm
 
Less Tori and more anything else ;p - hellojofo - Jul 2, 2020 - 10:13am
 
sonos service - mjvander - Jul 2, 2020 - 8:53am
 
Supreme Court Rulings - Red_Dragon - Jul 2, 2020 - 8:02am
 
Derplahoma Questions and Points of Interest - Isabeau - Jul 2, 2020 - 7:47am
 
Hey Baby, It's The 4th O' July - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 6:57am
 
Amazon Echo/Alexa stream not working - rochesimpson - Jul 1, 2020 - 3:31pm
 
Official date for our 20th Anniversary? - Windspirit - Jul 1, 2020 - 3:16pm
 
Republican Party - Red_Dragon - Jul 1, 2020 - 11:40am
 
Can't add RP service to Sonos - donot_spam - Jul 1, 2020 - 10:28am
 
Fox Spews - kurtster - Jun 30, 2020 - 9:21pm
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - Jun 30, 2020 - 8:47pm
 
Those Lovable Policemen - R_P - Jun 30, 2020 - 8:44pm
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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pattyw143

pattyw143 Avatar

Location: right where I am suppose to be
Gender: Female


Posted: Sep 13, 2015 - 5:01pm

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic

little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married

couple and for being loving to each other for

all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world

with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two

tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her

hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an

opportunity like this will never come again. I'm

sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30

years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,

but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and

poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should

remember fairies are female .....


DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 5, 2015 - 6:49am

Oh, to be a clever teacher!!!!!!
 
At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.  These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.  They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Old Eli until early Mondaymorning.   
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They told him they had visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.  As a result, they missed the final.    The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.  The guys were excited and relieved.  They studied that night for the exam.   
The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.    They all quickly answered the first chem problem worth 5 points.  Cool, they thought!  Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page.  On the second page was written...


 
 
 
For 95 points:     Which tire? _________ 

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 3, 2015 - 12:51pm

 These are classified ads, which were placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!  

 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.  

 

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

 

 FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.  

 

Children Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

______________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher


PFM

PFM Avatar

Location: on the desk or away from my phone


Posted: Apr 8, 2015 - 1:49pm

Jimmy was a single guy

living at home with his father and working in the family

business. When he found out he was going to inherit a

fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to

find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at

an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman

he had ever seen Her natural beauty took his breath

away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary

guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father

will die and I will inherit $200 million."

 

Impressed, the woman asked for his

business card and three days later, she became his

stepmother.

 

 

Women are so much better at financial

planning than men.


vald

vald Avatar

Location: Here now
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 8, 2015 - 9:35am

 ScottFromWyoming wrote:
Hey, Val...

Long time no see... hope things are going well.

Went to your site and watched this mesmerising video... cool stuff.
 
 

 
Thanks Scott,

Ya...that blacksmith is amazing.  His name is Larry Hagberg.  He was the blacksmith for NYC for a long time.  He retired last fall.

He is very talented.  Thanks for watching it.
Val

DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 8, 2015 - 6:24am

A young
Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a
low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out
over the loch. For several minutes they
sat silently, then finally the girl looked
at the boy and said, "A
penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well,
uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's
aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl
blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two
turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.
Minutes
passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another
penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well,
uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo
aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl
blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze
out over the loch.
After a
while, she again said, "Another
penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well,
uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot
time you let me pewt ma hand on yer
knee."

The girl
blushed, then took his hand and put it on
her knee.
Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."

The young man
glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my
thoughts are a wee bit more serious
this time."
"Really?" said the
girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.
"Aye," said the
lad, nodding. The girl looked away in
shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip
in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said,
"Din'na ye
think it's aboot time ye paid me the
first three pennies?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 7, 2015 - 2:55pm

 vald wrote:
A little girl approached her father one afternoon after school and hesitantly asked "Daddy, where did I come from".
The father could not help but appear shaken and said "Sweetheart your mommy and I have been planning to have
this talk with you, let me get mommy".  When the mother came into the room, they sat together and began,
"Sweetheart, you know how your dog Lily had puppies last year? Well, when a man and woman love each, they
sometime's want to show that love physically and ...."  The little girl l interrupted ..."Eww Eww, DAD! I
mean where did I come from?  My friend Sally came from Illinois!  Where did I come from?!
 
Hey, Val...

Long time no see... hope things are going well.

Went to your site and watched this mesmerising video... cool stuff.
 
 
aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 7, 2015 - 2:19pm

 vald wrote:
 My friend Sally came from Illinois!  Where did I come from?!
 
When two states love each other, you know, really love each other, they sometimes . . . 
vald

vald Avatar

Location: Here now
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 7, 2015 - 2:16pm

A little girl approached her father one afternoon after school and hesitantly asked "Daddy, where did I come from".
The father could not help but appear shaken and said "Sweetheart your mommy and I have been planning to have
this talk with you, let me get mommy".  When the mother came into the room, they sat together and began,
"Sweetheart, you know how your dog Lily had puppies last year? Well, when a man and woman love each, they
sometime's want to show that love physically and ...."  The little girl l interrupted ..."Eww Eww, DAD! I
mean where did I come from?  My friend Sally came from Illinois!  Where did I come from?!

Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 7, 2015 - 12:44pm

 ScottFromWyoming wrote:

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Asian Flu.
A pathologist examined the remains of the crows and to everybody’s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Asian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However during the detailed analysis colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause. 
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah”
Not a single one could shout “Truck” 


{#Lol}  Wicked funny (as they say up there)
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 7, 2015 - 12:42pm

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Asian Flu.
A pathologist examined the remains of the crows and to everybody’s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Asian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However during the detailed analysis colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause. 
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah”
Not a single one could shout “Truck”


DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 2, 2015 - 3:16pm

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a   colonoscopy.
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
  When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc", I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
And I know what the glove is for,
  But can you tell me what the beer is for?"
  At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,
  "Damn it, Evelyn!...I said a BUTT LIGHT"

ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 23, 2015 - 2:31pm

 Steely_D wrote:

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"

The horse says "As an anthropomorphic horse, I fit in neither with humans nor my own kind, and have thus lived a life of loneliness."



 
 
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 23, 2015 - 1:45pm

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"

The horse says "As an anthropomorphic horse, I fit in neither with humans nor my own kind, and have thus lived a life of loneliness."


ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 20, 2015 - 9:46am

 aflanigan wrote:

I thought this was going to be a riff on that old Emo Phillips joke:

 

 
 
aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 20, 2015 - 9:12am

 black321 wrote:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland.'

The other guy
responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And
where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, I'm from
Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra And what street did you live on in Dublin
?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'



 
I thought this was going to be a riff on that old Emo Phillips joke:

 
black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 19, 2015 - 1:08pm

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland.'

The other guy
responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And
where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, I'm from
Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra And what street did you live on in Dublin
?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'




Jo_anne

Jo_anne Avatar

Location: London, Greatest city on Earth
Gender: Female


Posted: Mar 12, 2015 - 6:37pm

Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it .
When he gets home the cats there. Next day he drives 50miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again. So next day he drives the other side of the country and dumps it, 6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that frigin cat home?" "yes..Why ?" asks the wife . 
Paddy says "Put that **** on the phone, im lost. "

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 11, 2015 - 7:29am

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.  He asked a girl in a university library:  Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.  After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S ROBBERY!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people.  Have A Great Day!!!!"


DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 10, 2015 - 5:44am

A guy texts his neighbor:  Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt
and I have to confess:  I have been helping myself to your wife when
you're not around, probably  more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I
don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope
you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.  The man,
feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the  bedroom and
without a word shoots his wife. Moments later the guy gets a second
text: Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"...
Sorry!

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