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Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » Caretakers Of Our Parents Page: Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 51, 52, 53
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MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 30, 2011 - 5:53am

 lily34 wrote:




 
{#Kiss}

MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 30, 2011 - 5:53am

 bokey wrote:

Unfortunately, that's the best way.You can't be there 24/7 and you can't afford to piss the people off.

 I've stopped agitating for my Dad's release and am in the same phone waiting situation.

 
 
I'm not waiting for his release, I'm actually worried they will make him leave and then I'm not sure what we'll do.

Best of luck to you in your waiting, it sucks, I know! {#Group-hug}
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 30, 2011 - 5:47am

 MsJudi wrote:
So we've taken the "don't poke the lion" approach to Dad's latest indiscretions at the assisted living facility and are waiting for them to contact us. If they choose not to, we will assume they're handling it internally. On pins and needles always waiting for the phone to ring, but if it doesn't in the next few days, we will start to relax a bit.

 


bokey

bokey Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 30, 2011 - 5:47am

 MsJudi wrote:
So we've taken the "don't poke the lion" approach to Dad's latest indiscretions at the assisted living facility and are waiting for them to contact us. If they choose not to, we will assume they're handling it internally. On pins and needles always waiting for the phone to ring, but if it doesn't in the next few days, we will start to relax a bit.

 
Unfortunately, that's the best way. You can't be there 24/7 and you can't afford to piss the people off.

 I've stopped agitating for my Dad's release and am in the same phone waiting situation.

 

MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 30, 2011 - 5:38am

So we've taken the "don't poke the lion" approach to Dad's latest indiscretions at the assisted living facility and are waiting for them to contact us. If they choose not to, we will assume they're handling it internally. On pins and needles always waiting for the phone to ring, but if it doesn't in the next few days, we will start to relax a bit.
MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 9:28am

 hippiechick wrote:

DO NOT LET HIM LIVE WITH YOU!!! No matter what happens, do not let this even be an option. 

How about hiring an aide to trail him and make him behave? Is this a possibility? 

 
There's no money for that, he's flat broke... his SS, pension, and the new VA benefit Greg found for him barely cover his current level of care.

MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 9:25am

 bokey wrote:

My Dad said he thought one of the therapist at his facility was a "swinger". {#Lol}

 Shades of '60's terminology.

 
Yipes! {#Lol}
hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 9:20am

 MsJudi wrote:

He's feeling pretty stress-free most of the time. I'm reluctant to add to the already huge cocktail he takes twice daily.

As for the facility's patience, I guess we'll see what it really is on Monday when we meet with the accuser, her family and the facility managers. I'm betting that if the family says, "Remove the pervert," the facility won't have much choice but to do so. Greg has a brighter view and is hoping that their liability on a situation like this is slim and that they'll want to keep the incomes of both my father and the woman he's accused of harassing. He is more confident than I that they will be willing to mediate a settlement that keeps Dad in place. I believe that even if they do, it will happen again and again and again and eventually, he'll be given no choice but to pack up and get out.

I know one thing is for certain- I can't move him into my home. That would be a living, inescapable nightmare for all three of us.

It might even have been a mistake to move him out of PA, looking back on things. He begged to be put into a nursing home near where he lived, but it has had a long history of bedbugs, and is the kind of place that parks its residents in the hallways in long rows of wheelchairs- that's their whole existence. I didn't want that for my Dad, and I knew he'd need a patient advocate close by who could keep on top of things like making sure his laundry is being done, and showers are being taken, etc. (not to mention someone to do his taxes, file for his VA benefits, plow through the reams of insurance paperwork, etcetcetcetc {#Frustrated}). But now we're just not sure... we moved him closer to us so it would be easier to care for him but he's caused literally nothing but trouble since day one, complaining to everyone about everything and now, of course, this sexual predation he's practicing.

I asked him last night if he was doing it because he wanted to get kicked out so I'd just move him back to PA. He denied that, but I'm still not sure.

I keep coming back to the same questions again and again. How responsible do you hold someone with dementia for their actions and the things they say? Before all of this, I would have said instantly and with conviction, "Not at all, they have an illness they can't help!" but now I'm not so sure... Alzheimer's hasn't changed my father, it's only enhanced the really ugly bits of him that always existed. So in that case, how responsible is he, really? I have no answers but some days it feels like my sanity hangs on knowing.

 
DO NOT LET HIM LIVE WITH YOU!!! No matter what happens, do not let this even be an option. 

How about hiring an aide to trail him and make him behave? Is this a possibility? 
bokey

bokey Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 9:20am

 MsJudi wrote:
So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.

 
My Dad said he thought one of the therapist at his facility was a "swinger". {#Lol}

 Shades of '60's terminology.
MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 9:17am

 hippiechick wrote:

:hugs:

I took care of my very difficult mother, so I can relate.

I'm surprised that the facility doesn't have much patience with this, since he does have dementia.

Is he on any kind of anti-depressants or other medication that would help relieve the stress he is feeling? 

 
He's feeling pretty stress-free most of the time. I'm reluctant to add to the already huge cocktail he takes twice daily.

As for the facility's patience, I guess we'll see what it really is on Monday when we meet with the accuser, her family and the facility managers. I'm betting that if the family says, "Remove the pervert," the facility won't have much choice but to do so. Greg has a brighter view and is hoping that their liability on a situation like this is slim and that they'll want to keep the incomes of both my father and the woman he's accused of harassing. He is more confident than I that they will be willing to mediate a settlement that keeps Dad in place. I believe that even if they do, it will happen again and again and again and eventually, he'll be given no choice but to pack up and get out.

I know one thing is for certain- I can't move him into my home. That would be a living, inescapable nightmare for all three of us.

It might even have been a mistake to move him out of PA, looking back on things. He begged to be put into a nursing home near where he lived, but it has had a long history of bedbugs, and is the kind of place that parks its residents in the hallways in long rows of wheelchairs- that's their whole existence. I didn't want that for my Dad, and I knew he'd need a patient advocate close by who could keep on top of things like making sure his laundry is being done, and showers are being taken, etc. (not to mention someone to do his taxes, file for his VA benefits, plow through the reams of insurance paperwork, etcetcetcetc {#Frustrated}). But now we're just not sure... we moved him closer to us so it would be easier to care for him but he's caused literally nothing but trouble since day one, complaining to everyone about everything and now, of course, this sexual predation he's practicing.

I asked him last night if he was doing it because he wanted to get kicked out so I'd just move him back to PA. He denied that, but I'm still not sure.

I keep coming back to the same questions again and again. How responsible do you hold someone with dementia for their actions and the things they say? Before all of this, I would have said instantly and with conviction, "Not at all, they have an illness they can't help!" but now I'm not so sure... Alzheimer's hasn't changed my father, it's only enhanced the really ugly bits of him that always existed. So in that case, how responsible is he, really? I have no answers but some days it feels like my sanity hangs on knowing.


hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 8:28am

 MsJudi wrote:
So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.
 
:hugs:

I took care of my very difficult mother, so I can relate.

I'm surprised that the facility doesn't have much patience with this, since he does have dementia.

Is he on any kind of anti-depressants or other medication that would help relieve the stress he is feeling? 


MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:52am

 mzpro5 wrote:
Good thread.

After my Mom's recent cardiac cath and stint procedure and her slow recovery I have decided to move my work office, which has been in my house, to my Mom's.  When we finished her basement a couple years ago I had a nice big separate office included (as I knew eventually this day would come) and.went out yesterday and bought a desk set and chair for the basement office.  Once that is delivered next week I will move the computer, a couple file cabinets and all the files to the new office. We live a little less that 2 miles apart so I will have a couple minute commute and be able to take Yogi with me.

That way I can see her everyday without being too intrusive as my Mom is very independent.  We have agreed that eventually I will move in permanently (she is giving me her house) and sell my house but neither of us is quite ready for that so this is a nice interim solution.

 
This sounds like a wonderful solution for both of you. I wish you all the luck. Please keep us updated, ok? It's uplifting to hear success stories. {#Hug}
MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:51am

 meower wrote:

Oh jees..... SO many levels of difficulty here J. Seeing him "be" those parts of himself that you've always hated, and yet, loving your dad....

we're here for you sister.  

 
Thanks, Step (and Rose and everyone) {#Group-hug}... I don't want to hate my father, but this is making it really difficult to dispel my feelings regarding all those things about him that I ran from when I left home at 19. This guy is, essentially, a stranger to us- he had no interest in family his whole life, he spent only 13 years out of 80 married and the rest single, and I honestly think that lifestyle left him crude and unrefined. Now with the Alzheimer's on top of everything, he's utterly incapable of curbing his somewhat repulsive nature. And it was his nature that drove me all the way from PA to Texas to escape him.

I love my father. I hate my father. Yeah.

(former member)

(former member) Avatar



Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:49am

 MsJudi wrote:
So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.

 
{#Hug}

mzpro5

mzpro5 Avatar

Location: Budda'spet, Hungry
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:48am

 MsJudi wrote:
So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.

 
Oh my.  My situation is nothing compared to yours.  Try and take care of yourself.  {#Hug}
mzpro5

mzpro5 Avatar

Location: Budda'spet, Hungry
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:46am

Good thread.

After my Mom's recent cardiac cath and stint procedure and her slow recovery I have decided to move my work office, which has been in my house, to my Mom's.  When we finished her basement a couple years ago I had a nice big separate office included (as I knew eventually this day would come) and.went out yesterday and bought a desk set and chair for the basement office.  Once that is delivered next week I will move the computer, a couple file cabinets and all the files to the new office. We live a little less that 2 miles apart so I will have a couple minute commute and be able to take Yogi with me.

That way I can see her everyday without being too intrusive as my Mom is very independent.  We have agreed that eventually I will move in permanently (she is giving me her house) and sell my house but neither of us is quite ready for that so this is a nice interim solution.
triskele

triskele Avatar

Location: The Dragons' Roost


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:45am

 MsJudi wrote:
So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.

  oh, no..honey.....


meower

meower Avatar

Location: i believe, i believe, it's silly, but I believe
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:41am

 MsJudi wrote:
So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.

 
Oh jees..... SO many levels of difficulty here J. Seeing him "be" those parts of himself that you've always hated, and yet, loving your dad....

we're here for you sister.  
rosedraws

rosedraws Avatar

Location: close to the edge
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:25am

Great idea for the thread.

and
MsJudi

MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 27, 2011 - 7:22am

So this weekend started out so promising. Greg and I were taking a 3-day stay-cation and we were both really excited about cloistering ourselves for some quiet nurturing and amazing home cooked meals. Last night, at the beginning of our weekend, we get a call from Dad's care facility. For the third time in the short 5 months he's been there, another woman has accused him of inappropriate sexual advances. The first time it was a staff member he harassed, the second two times it was residents. He behaves like a whiny child when confronted, blaming the women for it. This is nothing new- Dad has always been a sexist prick towards women. Rape victims "ask for it" and a woman who doesn't love a pat on the bottom at work is a spoil sport. Now he's a sexual predator. And I'm guessing that three strikes and he's out- they will probably have no choice this time but to make him leave, which means we have to try and find somewhere that will take someone with his history. Good luck to us.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this more than I've ever hated anything.


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