I'm not aware of your situation,but I wish you the best in your noble endeavor.If I could respectfully offer you any advice I've picked up from my experiences,please feel free to PM me.
Doctor called today. Her test results for rheumatoid arthritis came back positive.
I'm not aware of your situation,but I wish you the best in your noble endeavor.If I could respectfully offer you any advice I've picked up from my experiences,please feel free to PM me.
Thank you. That is a great list. We have a web calendar (sort of like SharePoint) that we use as a sort of diary of details of our time with him. I'll save this and read it when I encounter difficult times concerning my father.
Would you mind sharing that resource? Is it public? I'm so tired and confused. I think that would be a great idea. I have so much to fill it with.
And as long as this topic is hot right now and so many people are following it, I'll jot down a few more things that have been helping me cope:
My sisters and I keep a blog about visits to our mom (at her assisted living facility). Another thing we've all noticed is that eating habits sort of revert back to our toddler phase of life. Just as toddlers are very picky and sometimes rarely eat...so are seniors. With the exception of severely demented elders who forget to eat, or for whom hunger may not be registering in their brains—-most seniors don't have big appetites and may only eat one decent meal a day (usually around breakfast or lunch) and just pick at the others (or refuse them altogether). It's best not to worry ourselves over this—it's normal. They won't starve. Their GI is very old and can only process so much anymore...especially as the end approaches and things start slowing and shutting down one at a time. It's not a fun progression to watch (especially when they start losing weight), but it's entirely natural.
Someone else here at RP has imparted a lot of wisdom to me (I don't know if he wants to be outed or not). One of the best morsels of advice he gave me was about the "rollercoaster" of progress/behavior/health of our parents as it heads for the slow degeneration. There are good days and bad days regarding health or memory or moods or whatever. He told me it helps to learn how to stay grounded and not freak out on the bad days...and that way, when the end time comes and things get really bad, we will be able to handle it without falling apart.
The other wise thing he told me was to focus on my relationship with my mom and not concern myself with what my siblings are/aren't doing for her. He said it's important to be there for her in the best possible way I can (even from 2000 miles away) and to savor every moment while she is still with me—-and not get caught up in what I think everyone else should be doing for her.
And more than anything...many have told me to keep in mind that it's my mom's journey, not mine. I can only do so much to ensure she is properly cared for, but the rest is her path and beyond my control. If you happen to be a believer in a higher power, I'll add that my more spiritual loved ones have added, "Remember that she's in God's hands, no matter what."
My heart goes out to all of you who have (liked Gene and bokey and Prodigal) been right there doing all the caregiving yourself, or still are. After doing it for 4 years, I decided to move on with my life and let siblings/caregivers (and eventually my brother decided on a facility) do that work.
And as long as this topic is hot right now and so many people are following it, I'll jot down a few more things that have been helping me cope:
My sisters and I keep a blog about visits to our mom (at her assisted living facility). Another thing we've all noticed is that eating habits sort of revert back to our toddler phase of life. Just as toddlers are very picky and sometimes rarely eat...so are seniors. With the exception of severely demented elders who forget to eat, or for whom hunger may not be registering in their brains—-most seniors don't have big appetites and may only eat one decent meal a day (usually around breakfast or lunch) and just pick at the others (or refuse them altogether). It's best not to worry ourselves over this—it's normal. They won't starve. Their GI is very old and can only process so much anymore...especially as the end approaches and things start slowing and shutting down one at a time. It's not a fun progression to watch (especially when they start losing weight), but it's entirely natural.
Someone else here at RP has imparted a lot of wisdom to me (I don't know if he wants to be outed or not). One of the best morsels of advice he gave me was about the "rollercoaster" of progress/behavior/health of our parents as it heads for the slow degeneration. There are good days and bad days regarding health or memory or moods or whatever. He told me it helps to learn how to stay grounded and not freak out on the bad days...and that way, when the end time comes and things get really bad, we will be able to handle it without falling apart.
The other wise thing he told me was to focus on my relationship with my mom and not concern myself with what my siblings are/aren't doing for her. He said it's important to be there for her in the best possible way I can (even from 2000 miles away) and to savor every moment while she is still with me—-and not get caught up in what I think everyone else should be doing for her.
And more than anything...many have told me to keep in mind that it's my mom's journey, not mine. I can only do so much to ensure she is properly cared for, but the rest is her path and beyond my control. If you happen to be a believer in a higher power, I'll add that my more spiritual loved ones have added, "Remember that she's in God's hands, no matter what."
My heart goes out to all of you who have (liked Gene and bokey and Prodigal) been right there doing all the caregiving yourself, or still are. After doing it for 4 years, I decided to move on with my life and let siblings/caregivers (and eventually my brother decided on a facility) do that work.
For all of us....
Thank you. That is a great list. We have a web calendar (sort of like SharePoint) that we use as a sort of diary of details of our time with him. I'll save this and read it when I encounter difficult times concerning my father.
Alexandra, thank you for this insight. I noticed this about my father from shortly after my mother's passing (he's 90 now). I thought it was very strange that he would choose to be bored. Now I realize it was and still is comforting to him. We just moved him to assisted living last month after he fell (sat down on the floor rather quickly) and had back pain. The transition went well. It was a move to an apartment about 2/3 the size of his previous apartment. All but a table and desk fit in the new apartment. We also got rid of many of the clothes he doesn't wear. Last weekend, my sister discovered he wore the same pants, shirt, shoes and jacket for 7 straight days. Once again, it's probably a comfort thing.
Right....
And as long as this topic is hot right now and so many people are following it, I'll jot down a few more things that have been helping me cope:
My sisters and I keep a blog about visits to our mom (at her assisted living facility). Another thing we've all noticed is that eating habits sort of revert back to our toddler phase of life. Just as toddlers are very picky and sometimes rarely eat...so are seniors. With the exception of severely demented elders who forget to eat, or for whom hunger may not be registering in their brains—-most seniors don't have big appetites and may only eat one decent meal a day (usually around breakfast or lunch) and just pick at the others (or refuse them altogether). It's best not to worry ourselves over this—it's normal. They won't starve. Their GI is very old and can only process so much anymore...especially as the end approaches and things start slowing and shutting down one at a time. It's not a fun progression to watch (especially when they start losing weight), but it's entirely natural.
Someone else here at RP has imparted a lot of wisdom to me (I don't know if he wants to be outed or not). One of the best morsels of advice he gave me was about the "rollercoaster" of progress/behavior/health of our parents as it heads for the slow degeneration. There are good days and bad days regarding health or memory or moods or whatever. He told me it helps to learn how to stay grounded and not freak out on the bad days...and that way, when the end time comes and things get really bad, we will be able to handle it without falling apart.
The other wise thing he told me was to focus on my relationship with my mom and not concern myself with what my siblings are/aren't doing for her. He said it's important to be there for her in the best possible way I can (even from 2000 miles away) and to savor every moment while she is still with me—-and not get caught up in what I think everyone else should be doing for her.
And more than anything...many have told me to keep in mind that it's my mom's journey, not mine. I can only do so much to ensure she is properly cared for, but the rest is her path and beyond my control. If you happen to be a believer in a higher power, I'll add that my more spiritual loved ones have added, "Remember that she's in God's hands, no matter what."
My heart goes out to all of you who have (liked Gene and bokey and Prodigal) been right there doing all the caregiving yourself, or still are. After doing it for 4 years, I decided to move on with my life and let siblings/caregivers (and eventually my brother decided on a facility) do that work.
I have also learned from people (and articles) that seniors that are up around 90+ years old experience just being much differently than we (as much younger, active people) do.
To us, sitting in silence in the great hall of a facility sounds boring beyond words. To them, their bodies are very, very tired from having walked there from down a long hallway. Long conversations (when they can't remember much anyway) can be exhausting. Sometimes just sitting and doing nothing feels comfortable for them. Especially if they're sitting among peers. Kind of like when you see a bunch of seagulls on the beach all flocked together in silence. Some with heads under their wings. Just being.
Alexandra, thank you for this insight. I noticed this about my father from shortly after my mother's passing (he's 90 now). I thought it was very strange that he would choose to be bored. Now I realize it was and still is comforting to him. We just moved him to assisted living last month after he fell (sat down on the floor rather quickly) and had back pain. The transition went well. It was a move to an apartment about 2/3 the size of his previous apartment. All but a table and desk fit in the new apartment. We also got rid of many of the clothes he doesn't wear. Last weekend, my sister discovered he wore the same pants, shirt, shoes and jacket for 7 straight days. Once again, it's probably a comfort thing.
This. I'm wrapping my head around this. I'm so glad you put this here. I thought I could logically process it when I couldn't understand why she didn't want the TV on...
Mortality at work. That head-space where nothing we programmed ourselves to pay attention to, depended on for distraction to keep our minds quiet or audibly required for "company" matter anymore.
Thank you so much for this post.
Just now saw this. You're very welcome. Many of the tools I've used to cope with this particular life issue I've gotten from people here. We're all finding our way through together. I have utmost compassion for you as you find your way too. Hang in there.
Keeping spirits up. I've never been a cheerleader. I'm finding that it's necessary and it does wonders in the day by day. If you can get the mind positively involved, detriments turn into challenges and challenges, if strong enough to accept genuinely, are winnable. Jackson, MS is Number 1 in the nation for allergy-related illness right now, apparently. I try to remind her that Spring is kicking her ass while she's trying to heal. Learning as I go here. I'm honestly scared.
I have also learned from people (and articles) that seniors that are up around 90+ years old experience just being much differently than we (as much younger, active people) do.
To us, sitting in silence in the great hall of a facility sounds boring beyond words. To them, their bodies are very, very tired from having walked there from down a long hallway. Long conversations (when they can't remember much anyway) can be exhausting. Sometimes just sitting and doing nothing feels comfortable for them. Especially if they're sitting among peers. Kind of like when you see a bunch of seagulls on the beach all flocked together in silence. Some with heads under their wings. Just being.
Haven't been in here in a long while and just saw this. Just being. You described what it was like taking chemo, at least for me. I reached a point early on in the experience where you are just so out of it but there at the same time. So you just sit and find ways to manipulate time with your mind. Granted, my chemo experience was being in a hospital bed for a week at a time just sitting, attached to hoses like a boat anchor. You reach a point after a couple of days where TV and reading is a chore. All's that you have left is your mind, so you sit and wait. You wait for that last bag. Much the same as it would be for what you described above.
Since then, when I go somewhere such as a doctor's office or somewhere where you must sit for a half to a whole hour waiting for your turn, I am able to sit and do nothing, disconnect and just be. No smartphone, magazine or newspaper and its ok. I consider it a gift now and then.
Since there are no journals now... and I respect Bill's decisions about it at this point, frankly... I'm going to be spending some time within this thread. Mom is declining and I'm on my own. I'd appreciate it if anyone who's read my asinine remarks over the last 10 years to please overlook them. All of my marriages have fallen apart. I have no kids. I have no siblings. Dad's been dead since I was three. But I'm here. At home. Taking care of mom. I'm too tired to elaborate tonight because I've been her shadow since she woke up this morning. I've been at the hospital all afternoon and I had to put her in bed tonight. She's heavy and I'm out of shape. Everything around here is about to change.
Gah. This is what I'd have put in a journal entry. This is when the people "closest" to you, only act when it's convenient for them. The world feels bigger and lonelier now.
I have also learned from people (and articles) that seniors that are up around 90+ years old experience just being much differently than we (as much younger, active people) do.
To us, sitting in silence in the great hall of a facility sounds boring beyond words. To them, their bodies are very, very tired from having walked there from down a long hallway. Long conversations (when they can't remember much anyway) can be exhausting. Sometimes just sitting and doing nothing feels comfortable for them. Especially if they're sitting among peers. Kind of like when you see a bunch of seagulls on the beach all flocked together in silence. Some with heads under their wings. Just being.
This. I'm wrapping my head around this. I'm so glad you put this here. I thought I could logically process it when I couldn't understand why she didn't want the TV on...
Mortality at work. That head-space where nothing we programmed ourselves to pay attention to, depended on for distraction to keep our minds quiet or audibly required for "company" matter anymore.
Since there are no journals now... and I respect Bill's decisions about it at this point, frankly... I'm going to be spending some time within this thread. Mom is declining and I'm on my own. I'd appreciate it if anyone who's read my asinine remarks over the last 10 years to please overlook them. All of my marriages have fallen apart. I have no kids. I have no siblings. Dad's been dead since I was three. But I'm here. At home. Taking care of mom. I'm too tired to elaborate tonight because I've been her shadow since she woke up this morning. I've been at the hospital all afternoon and I had to put her in bed tonight. She's heavy and I'm out of shape. Everything around here is about to change.
Gah. This is what I'd have put in a journal entry. This is when the people "closest" to you, only act when it's convenient for them. The world feels bigger and lonelier now.
I have also learned from people (and articles) that seniors that are up around 90+ years old experience just being much differently than we (as much younger, active people) do.
To us, sitting in silence in the great hall of a facility sounds boring beyond words. To them, their bodies are very, very tired from having walked there from down a long hallway. Long conversations (when they can't remember much anyway) can be exhausting. Sometimes just sitting and doing nothing feels comfortable for them. Especially if they're sitting among peers. Kind of like when you see a bunch of seagulls on the beach all flocked together in silence. Some with heads under their wings. Just being.
Fantastic insight. Very glad to know this. Thanks Alex.
