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Trump - Red_Dragon - Jun 3, 2020 - 3:13pm
 
Those Lovable Policemen - Lazy8 - Jun 3, 2020 - 3:03pm
 
Race in America - R_P - Jun 3, 2020 - 2:35pm
 
Radio Paradise Comments - ScopPics - Jun 3, 2020 - 2:30pm
 
COVID-19 - R_P - Jun 3, 2020 - 2:15pm
 
Dialing 1-800-Manbird - oldviolin - Jun 3, 2020 - 2:13pm
 
Amazon Echo/Alexa stream not working - Gourd - Jun 3, 2020 - 1:55pm
 
Guns - Red_Dragon - Jun 3, 2020 - 1:44pm
 
Trump Lies - hayduke2 - Jun 3, 2020 - 12:45pm
 
Fun - Proclivities - Jun 3, 2020 - 11:26am
 
Things You Thought Today - sirdroseph - Jun 3, 2020 - 11:13am
 
Museum Of Bad Album Covers - ScottFromWyoming - Jun 3, 2020 - 10:04am
 
Party planning advice - Proclivities - Jun 3, 2020 - 9:04am
 
Looting & vandalism isn't protest - Red_Dragon - Jun 3, 2020 - 8:29am
 
Lyrics that strike a chord today... - ColdMiser - Jun 3, 2020 - 7:25am
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - Proclivities - Jun 3, 2020 - 7:08am
 
Lyrics That Remind You of Someone - oldviolin - Jun 3, 2020 - 6:45am
 
Counting with Pictures - Proclivities - Jun 3, 2020 - 6:37am
 
Live Music - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 7:31pm
 
YouTube: Music-Videos - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 7:26pm
 
Poetry Forum - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 7:24pm
 
In My Room - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 7:16pm
 
Favorite Quotes - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 5:03pm
 
The R_P & KarmaKarma bickering topic - R_P - Jun 2, 2020 - 4:40pm
 
Canada - haresfur - Jun 2, 2020 - 3:01pm
 
Joe Biden - R_P - Jun 2, 2020 - 2:55pm
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 2:42pm
 
Name My Band - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 2:10pm
 
Fake News*  ?  ! - kcar - Jun 2, 2020 - 1:20pm
 
RP Main Mix on TuneIn unavailable? - withdean1 - Jun 2, 2020 - 12:03pm
 
Post your favorite 'You Tube' Videos Here - black321 - Jun 2, 2020 - 11:28am
 
Epic Facebook Statuses - Coaxial - Jun 2, 2020 - 8:06am
 
• • • BRING OUT YOUR DEAD • • •  - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 7:49am
 
Tales from the RAFT - Coaxial - Jun 2, 2020 - 6:50am
 
Sonos - scrubbrush - Jun 2, 2020 - 6:43am
 
Cryptic Posts - Leave Them Guessing - oldviolin - Jun 2, 2020 - 5:58am
 
Pernicious Pious Proclivities Particularized Prodigiously - R_P - Jun 2, 2020 - 12:04am
 
Food - AliGator - Jun 1, 2020 - 8:48pm
 
Stupid Questions (and Answers) - haresfur - Jun 1, 2020 - 8:07pm
 
What Did You Do Today? - Antigone - Jun 1, 2020 - 6:10pm
 
Bernie Sanders - R_P - Jun 1, 2020 - 3:36pm
 
Mixtape Culture Club - sirdroseph - Jun 1, 2020 - 12:24pm
 
What Did You See Today? - Steely_D - Jun 1, 2020 - 11:00am
 
Today in History - KurtfromLaQuinta - Jun 1, 2020 - 8:23am
 
I can't download a cache block for offline listening - q4Fry - Jun 1, 2020 - 6:50am
 
FLAC Streaming - Ohewitt - Jun 1, 2020 - 5:01am
 
Strips, cartoons, illustrations - KarmaKarma - May 31, 2020 - 1:27pm
 
RPeeps I miss. - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 11:55am
 
Two questions. That's it. I promise. - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 10:27am
 
Questions. - buddy - May 31, 2020 - 9:34am
 
A thousand million questions - buddy - May 31, 2020 - 9:32am
 
What kind of lunatic answers rhetorical questions? - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:45am
 
Crucial History Questions - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:43am
 
Medical Questions - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:42am
 
Questions I'd like to ask at tonight's debate - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:41am
 
What questions would you like to answer for the world? - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:36am
 
Dumbass Questions - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:35am
 
Rhetorical questions - oldviolin - May 31, 2020 - 8:33am
 
Breaking News - Red_Dragon - May 31, 2020 - 6:59am
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - May 31, 2020 - 5:01am
 
Australia and New Zealand Music - whatshisname - May 31, 2020 - 4:12am
 
Cloud Gazing (Photos You've Taken) - haresfur - May 30, 2020 - 9:50pm
 
Automotive Lust - Coaxial - May 30, 2020 - 4:53pm
 
Advice? - Red_Dragon - May 30, 2020 - 4:01pm
 
kurtster's quiet vinyl - kurtster - May 30, 2020 - 6:06am
 
the Todd Rundgren topic - Steely_D - May 29, 2020 - 6:34pm
 
suggest "clasical music" - kcar - May 29, 2020 - 3:49pm
 
Covid-19 hits home at RP - fractalv - May 29, 2020 - 3:07pm
 
submissions - TheKing2 - May 29, 2020 - 2:18pm
 
Well, DUH!! - KarmaKarma - May 29, 2020 - 11:43am
 
Free Books and Free Culture Online - R_P - May 29, 2020 - 11:34am
 
Talk Behind Their Backs Forum - oldviolin - May 29, 2020 - 10:15am
 
The RANT Forum - steeler - May 29, 2020 - 9:39am
 
The Buffoonery - oldviolin - May 29, 2020 - 9:28am
 
Bug Reports & Feature Requests - islander - May 29, 2020 - 8:42am
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Dec 24, 2017 - 10:37am

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 20 miles from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 15 miles, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 17 miles, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 19 miles, gets tired, turns around and swims back.


kcar

kcar Avatar



Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:03pm

 Steely_D wrote:

You HOPE that's how it happened.

 

{#Eyes}{#Stop}{#Roflol}
I stopped speculating about what certain folks do BCD right after the Starr report about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Stained blue dresses? Cigars inserted in unusual spots? Phones going places they weren't meant to go? I know nuss-sing, Colonel Hogan! Nussing! 



Sergeant Shultz from "Hogan's Heroes", looking bug-eyed


Really: was there ever a face more completely summed-up by the word "sausage"?


Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 7:29pm

 kcar wrote:


{#Roflol}
Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. 

 
You HOPE that's how it happened.
kcar

kcar Avatar



Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 3:31pm

 SeriousLee wrote:
I was in the public restroom 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: 
"Hi, how are you?" 
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!" 
Stall: "So what are you up to?" 
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." 
Stall: "Can I come over?" 
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" 
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

 

{#Roflol}


Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. 
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:33am

The divorce lawyer is surprised when the very old couple comes in to begin the process.
"How old are you two? he asks
"I'm 86, she's 87," says the man.

"And you want a divorce? How long have you two been married?"
"Been about 65 years as of last fall," she says. "And, yes, we want a divorce as soon as you can get it done. We can't stand each other."

"OK, I can certainly take care of that. But I have to ask, why now after so many years?"
"We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
miamizsun

miamizsun Avatar

Location: (3261.3 Miles SE of RP)
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 7:59am


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jul 28, 2017 - 2:37pm

George and Ethel met for the first time at the Seniors complex. It was love at first sight. They were both over 90 years old when they tied the knot. They had a 1-night honeymoon at the local motel. Ethel, well it had been a long time since she spent a night with a man and all her girl friends at the seniors complex couldn't wait to hear from her when she came back from her honeymoon. "So, Ethel, what happened", they asked the day after. "Well," Ethel said, "I was waiting in bed for him. Then he came near the bed. He took his shirt off and threw it on the chair. He took his pants off and threw them on the chair. He took his toupee off and threw it on the chair. He took his glasses off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his hearing aids off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his dentures off and put them on the table by the chair. He took one eye out and put it on the table by the chair. He took one arm off and put it on the chair. He took one hand off and put it on the chair. He took one leg off and put it on the  chair. He took one foot off and put it on the chair." "And? What happened after that?" "Well," Ethel said, "I spent the night on the chair since there was more of him there"
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jul 8, 2017 - 11:05am

You must have heard of the nice Jewish boy who meets the girl he'd like to marry. He realises she has to run the gauntlet of his mother. He decides he will take two other girls home as well, to see if his mother will be able to choose the one he wants to marry.

He gets home. The three girls sit down on the sofa opposite his mother. After two minutes, she says to her son, 'It's the one on the left."

He says, 'Mother, that's amazing. It's incredible. How could you guess? How could you work out she is the one I want to marry?'

His mother shrugs and says , 'Already I don't like her.'


aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 12:39pm

 rmgman wrote:
3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods.
They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims:
"Look, rabbit tracks!'
The second one says:
"They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!"
The third one then says:
"What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!"
Then they all got hit by a train. 

 

 This sounds implausible. Most hunters are smart enough to distinguish the footprints trains leave behind from those left behind by animals.



rmgman

rmgman Avatar

Location: North of the Pinelands in NJ
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 11:36am

3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods.
They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims:
"Look, rabbit tracks!'
The second one says:
"They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!"
The third one then says:
"What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!"
Then they all got hit by a train. 
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Apr 28, 2017 - 11:12am

I was in the public restroom 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: 
"Hi, how are you?" 
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!" 
Stall: "So what are you up to?" 
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." 
Stall: "Can I come over?" 
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" 
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"


rocksaltandnails

rocksaltandnails Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 3, 2016 - 7:41am

 Steely_D wrote:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"



 
A+
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Oct 2, 2016 - 6:37pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Oct 2, 2016 - 6:05pm

A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls. A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Skydog

Skydog Avatar



Posted: May 12, 2016 - 9:38am

a horse goes into a saloon and up to the bar, bartender asks, 'why the long face?'
DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: May 6, 2016 - 1:16pm

It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
 
 
Then, one of the students from the back rows said:
"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?  She may be his wife!"

DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: May 6, 2016 - 1:13pm

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. 
In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." 
"Very good," said the teacher.
 
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." 
"Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
 
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." 
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. 
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. 
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."  
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
 
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

bokey

bokey Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: May 3, 2016 - 12:35pm

 DaveInVA wrote:
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 


 
Dave,Dave,Dave.They will listen,you just have to be nice when you're talking.
DaveInVA

DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: May 3, 2016 - 12:30pm

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 

aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: May 3, 2016 - 7:38am

 BlueHeronDruid wrote:

Remind us to tell you about the druid labs Midwest Flaming Squirrel Incident™.

 
No Fair! I've already pulled up a chair. Spill!
 
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