I was visiting the local library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She leaned right over towards me and whispered that they were right behind me.
On "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" the sign-off question was: Now that the "Indians" have changed their name to the "Guardians," which sports team will change their name next and to what? Maeve Higgins said it will be the Yankees, which will stay the Yankees, but with a J.
An old engineerâs time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
I was just at a restaurant the other night. Paid $20K for a tasting menu, and for dessert they had a trained peacock regurgitate directly into my mouth.
It was okay, but frankly I've had $10K meals that tasted just as good.
A man gets on the train. He goes to the train conductor and says, "I need to get off in Philadelphia. I am so tired I just know I will fall asleep. Could you please make sure I get off in Philadelphia? Will you wake me up? I haven't slept in 2 days, so I may wake up cranky and give you a hard time, but please PLEASE make sure I get off in Philadelphia. Even if you have to throw me out. Will you do that, please? " The conductor says, "No problem, sir. I'll make sure you get off in Philadelphia."
So the guy wakes up. The train is stopped. He is in New York. He is livid! Furious, he goes after the conductor. It took three guys to hold him off and throw him out the train. A lady who watched the whole thing, turned to the conductor and said, "Boy was that man ever angry". The conductor said, "Ya...well, you should have seen the man we threw off the train in Philadelphia"
A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."
He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."
Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"
His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"
His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like yout hat gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.
âWelcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: donât step on the ducks.â
The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.
The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.
He says, âThis is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,â and disappears.
The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.
The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.
The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, âGee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.â
He slowly looks down at her and says, âI donât know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.â
A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning. She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning. She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
