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• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - buddy - Mar 27, 2020 - 5:16pm
 
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songs that ROCK! - Lazy8 - Mar 27, 2020 - 10:29am
 
Baseball, anyone? - Red_Dragon - Mar 27, 2020 - 10:29am
 
Automotive Lust - Red_Dragon - Mar 27, 2020 - 8:34am
 
Change mix channel on RP app - BillG - Mar 27, 2020 - 7:56am
 
Things You Thought Today - sirdroseph - Mar 27, 2020 - 7:55am
 
Name My Band - oldviolin - Mar 27, 2020 - 6:32am
 
The Obituary Page - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 26, 2020 - 11:24pm
 
Rhetorical questions - oldviolin - Mar 26, 2020 - 10:38pm
 
Pernicious Pious Proclivities Particularized Prodigiously - R_P - Mar 26, 2020 - 5:54pm
 
What Are You Going To Do Today? - Coaxial - Mar 26, 2020 - 3:56pm
 
What are you listening to now? - Steely_D - Mar 26, 2020 - 2:32pm
 
Quick! I need a chicken... - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 26, 2020 - 1:26pm
 
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RP Daily Trivia Challenge - KurtfromLaQuinta - Mar 26, 2020 - 10:20am
 
Public Messages in a Private Forum - kurtster - Mar 26, 2020 - 6:49am
 
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Trump Lies - kurtster - Mar 25, 2020 - 9:45pm
 
how do you feel right now? - haresfur - Mar 25, 2020 - 8:35pm
 
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Republican Party - Red_Dragon - Mar 24, 2020 - 6:30pm
 
Preferred media player? - gvajda - Mar 24, 2020 - 4:05pm
 
Get the Quote - oldviolin - Mar 24, 2020 - 11:54am
 
Unresearched Conspiracy Theories - miamizsun - Mar 24, 2020 - 6:17am
 
• • • BRING OUT YOUR DEAD • • •  - Ohmsen - Mar 24, 2020 - 2:54am
 
Graphs, Charts & Maps - sirdroseph - Mar 24, 2020 - 2:42am
 
HALF A WORLD - oldviolin - Mar 23, 2020 - 5:12pm
 
Marijuana: Baked News. - westslope - Mar 23, 2020 - 3:16pm
 
Derplahoma Questions and Points of Interest - Red_Dragon - Mar 23, 2020 - 9:42am
 
Things that make you sick - sirdroseph - Mar 23, 2020 - 2:36am
 
Art Show - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 22, 2020 - 11:33pm
 
Amazon Products (May Contain Spam) - BlueHeronDruid - Mar 22, 2020 - 4:01pm
 
RP Windows Desktop Notification Applet - gvajda - Mar 22, 2020 - 11:52am
 
Thanks Bill, Rebecca, and crew! - steeler - Mar 22, 2020 - 10:33am
 
Cryptic Posts - Leave Them Guessing - Isabeau - Mar 22, 2020 - 8:56am
 
Coffee - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 21, 2020 - 9:20am
 
Celebrity Deaths - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 21, 2020 - 12:22am
 
Pick a sport, any sport - haresfur - Mar 20, 2020 - 11:38pm
 
Positive Thoughts and Prayer Requests - kcar - Mar 20, 2020 - 11:26pm
 
World Music - jahgirl8 - Mar 20, 2020 - 7:32pm
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - oldviolin - Mar 20, 2020 - 6:45pm
 
PSD for Roku - mshafe - Mar 20, 2020 - 3:51pm
 
Climate Change - westslope - Mar 20, 2020 - 3:26pm
 
Contemporary québécois music - westslope - Mar 20, 2020 - 3:21pm
 
Drinking Establishments - oldviolin - Mar 20, 2020 - 1:59pm
 
music that makes you dance with big wavy gestures - buddy - Mar 20, 2020 - 8:55am
 
Poetry Forum - buddy - Mar 20, 2020 - 8:28am
 
Gotta Get Your Drink On - jahgirl8 - Mar 19, 2020 - 3:38pm
 
Tomato Gardens - Red_Dragon - Mar 19, 2020 - 1:08pm
 
That's good advice - Steely_D - Mar 19, 2020 - 12:32pm
 
More reggae, less Marley please - R_P - Mar 19, 2020 - 12:04pm
 
Live Music - R_P - Mar 19, 2020 - 11:23am
 
RP undercover ! - sunybuny - Mar 19, 2020 - 7:14am
 
The Dumbest Thing I Did Today Was...... - sunybuny - Mar 19, 2020 - 7:10am
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 10, 2020 - 10:40pm

I was just at a restaurant the other night. Paid $20K for a tasting menu, and for dessert they had a trained peacock regurgitate directly into my mouth.

It was okay, but frankly I've had $10K meals that tasted just as good.

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Apr 5, 2019 - 1:10pm

A man gets on the train. He goes to the train conductor and says, "I need to get off in Philadelphia. I am so tired I just know I will fall asleep. Could you please make sure I get off in Philadelphia? Will you wake me up? I haven't slept in 2 days, so I may wake up cranky and give you a hard time, but please PLEASE make sure I get off in Philadelphia. Even if you have to throw me out. Will you do that, please? " The conductor says, "No problem, sir. I'll make sure you get off in Philadelphia."

So the guy wakes up. The train is stopped. He is in New York. He is livid! Furious, he goes after the conductor. It took three guys to hold him off and throw him out the train. A lady who watched the whole thing, turned to the conductor and said, "Boy was that man ever angry". The conductor said, "Ya...well, you should have seen the man we threw off the train in Philadelphia"
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Mar 1, 2019 - 12:39pm

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like yout hat gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:45am



 KurtfromLaQuinta wrote:
Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
 

Funny......LOL
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:43am



 Proclivities wrote:
A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
 

LOL
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:08am

 westslope wrote:
There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.

 
Ugh. It's complicated...
Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:05am

A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
westslope

westslope Avatar

Location: BC sage brush steppe


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:52pm

There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.
lowelltr

lowelltr Avatar

Location: Cardinal Nation
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:46pm

I told my wife she arched her eyebrows too much.

She seemed surprised.
KurtfromLaQuinta

KurtfromLaQuinta Avatar

Location: Really deep in the heart of South California
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 10, 2018 - 1:11pm

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 22, 2018 - 12:39pm

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:18am

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:13am

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 4, 2018 - 12:02am

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:20pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Goot one
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:19pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Boot one
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 5:32pm

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell she talking about?
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jan 14, 2018 - 6:39am

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Dec 24, 2017 - 10:37am

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 20 miles from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 15 miles, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 17 miles, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 19 miles, gets tired, turns around and swims back.


kcar

kcar Avatar



Posted: Jul 30, 2017 - 9:03pm

 Steely_D wrote:

You HOPE that's how it happened.

 

{#Eyes}{#Stop}{#Roflol}
I stopped speculating about what certain folks do BCD right after the Starr report about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Stained blue dresses? Cigars inserted in unusual spots? Phones going places they weren't meant to go? I know nuss-sing, Colonel Hogan! Nussing! 



Sergeant Shultz from "Hogan's Heroes", looking bug-eyed


Really: was there ever a face more completely summed-up by the word "sausage"?


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